Dolce Vita Devotion

Have you ever internalized shame because you don’t fit into the expected role assigned to a person of your gender? Ever since I was only 15 years old, I didn’t want to get married and have children.

Reading the nonfiction book The Ace and Aro Relationship Guide validated that it was OK to deviate from the traditional methods of dating, relating, and mating online and IRL. Perhaps I was an Ace of Hearts. The book gave information that should be used in heterosexual coquetries too.

Too often, treatment providers judge a client based on our relationship status. If we don’t want to be in a relationship, the new therapist at the intake will view us as low-functioning.

As well, a young girl often has a therapist tell her that if she got married and had children, she would no longer be depressed.

And what if you’re a woman whose shrink asks this same version of a doorknob question at the exact end of every session: “Are you in a relationship?” while he’s manspreading his legs like he’s on a subway train.

What if a therapist routinely asked at the first intake session if we thought we had experienced any kind of trauma? Wouldn’t a person born into a dysfunctional family be reluctant to date and mate with whoever came along that expressed an interest in us?

Some of us are asexual or aromantic and the intended readership for the book above. Others are women attracted to men whose sexuality is judged. We’re perceived as lacking in some way if we don’t want to go to bed with a partner.

Why can’t a cisgender woman love her friends, her Dolce Vita shoes, and herself? Who says that the only acceptable expression of love should be in a relationship where you’re having sex?

This freedom should extend to men not being forced to have sex to prove their worth too.

What if our soul mate could be that pair of shoes that is a sole mate?

After reading the Ace and Aro book, that’s when I questioned the concept of what’s heteronormative. In fact, why not use a political reference and talk about being an “alt-hetero” faction that gets to choose who they love and when and how?

The parameters of cisgender coupling should be widened to include those of us who aren’t fans of hook-ups or going to bed with every partner we have.

Why should I have sex with a man who’s going to screw me in other ways? A faithful friend of mine always told me when he was alive: “It’s better to be in no relationship than a bad relationship.”

In terms of identifying as Ace or Aro or anything else, or in listing your gender too, I would rather not use labels at all. Fire away with the terminology though if that’s what you choose!

Though I call myself a girl when writing about my life, I don’t want to be identified by my gender. Instead of using personal pronouns, I go by my given name. In my email signature, I’ve typed Christina Bruni (Chris/Christina).

This is because, though our bodies are the first thing others see, I’d rather that my personality is the defining factor in who I am and how others view me.

I’m creative-kinetic Chris. Who are you?